September 15th, 2020

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A deep enough descent into depression and there's very little left to pull you back out. At the end of last month, the 29th of August, I mourned the second year since my father passed away. I've never come close to grasping with this and doubt I ever will. Further, I don't know how to even begin to discuss it, especially in such a format as an open, online journal. The most I'll say here fore now is I miss him tremendously and only a couple weeks' time of swimming around in my own head has brought me anywhere close to feeling reasonable again. 

The photo above was actually captured on the morning of the 29th, while I headed out to the hospital for call. I wasn't aware that the mantis was endemic to the Philadelphia area. Turns out mantids can be found in more temperate regions with mild enough winters and sufficient vegetation, though they're more commonly found in tropical climes. Apparently, they're most closely related to cockroaches and termites, rather than grasshoppers/locusts as I ignorantly believed. My television knowledge also informed me about the mantid practice of sexual cannibalism, whereby the female ingests the male as a copulatory event; it's a controversial finding, though, as researchers seem to believe this practice is actually promoted by laboratory environments and researcher observation and isn't seen as frequently in natural environments. Fascinating (not-so-) little creatures. Perhaps there's some symbolism to be found here, new life created in memory of life lost.

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My motivation for sketching has been pretty diminished of late. In fact, as above, my motivations for much of anything have really bottomed out. That said, the two above were pulled from the last couple pages in the sketchbook. The lich king-looking guy is a study after work by artist Aleksander Golovatyuk and you should check him out here. Stuff to keep my hands and fingers moving.

​Remote medical school has also been incredibly bad for my mental wellbeing. There are consecutive days at a time where I have no reason to leave my apartment and when I do it's usually to take call. This is made even worse by having issues with the rear wheel of my road bike, which introduces significant doubt in the bike's ability to ride safely. I've instead latched it to my indoor trainer, which I still ride daily, but it's not even remotely close to an outdoor cruise. I've considered it for months now, but I'm really believing this to be the straw to break the camel's back and providing impetus to purchase a new bike outright (believe me when I say there's a crippling amount of thought that I put into this to weigh a ton of variables, benefits and drawbacks). Canyon has become a top contender for the proposal, but I've got quite a lot more to do before I consider it a final decision. I'll post updates on the process as it continues to evolve.

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